What To Do When Arrested With Domestic Violence Charges

The trauma of domestic violence is huge in itself for most of the people. However, being injustice of being arrests for it is something that may take the trauma to a whole new level of being unbearable. If you have been a victim of such a trauma, you must be wondering your options and have been asking the question of what to do when arrested with domestic violence charges over and again. Taking this into perspective, we have mentioned a few of the options that may help you in such a traumatic situation.

The first and the foremost thing that you need to accomplish in such situation is to make sure that you are able to hire an advocate for yourself as soon as possible. It is to be kept in mind that without an experienced and talented advocate, you would not be able to avoid the worst-case scenario provided that you have been arrested for domestic violence. Therefore, hire an attorney for yourself as soon as possible.

It is to be kept in mind that under such scenario, it is of prime importance to make sure that you don't talk to the police or the prosecutors. You may think that if you could talk to the police and let them know about the entire truth, they will try to help you out in order to get out of the situation. However, this is the worst that you could do to yourself. It is to be kept in mind at all times that once you have been regarded as a primary suspect by an officer, anything and probably everything that comes out of your mouth is liable to be used against you in the court of law.

Therefore, hire an advocate and let him do the talking on your behalf. You are not supposed to say a single word to the police or the prosecutor once they have established you as a suspect. Let the advocate do his job.

It is essential that you take picture of all the injuries brought on to you during the entire scenario as well since police officers may not be interested in gathering the evidence that could prove your innocence once they have regarded you as a suspect. If you are not able to do it, ask your advocate to perform the task. Remember, it is of crucial importance and is a great help for your advocate in order to get you out of the mess.

Last but not the least, it is indispensable that you make a call to the district attorney, or your advocate does so on your behalf in order to know the charges which are being held against you as well as the nature of such charges in particular. It is to be kept in mind that if the district attorney decides to let go of your case, which is not rare to say the least, you can certainly start to feel relieved since the situation is fairly under control.

The above mentioned information must have been a huge help if you have been a victim of domestic violence and were looking for answers to what to do when arrested with domestic violence charges. Following the aforementioned tips will make sure that you can get yourself out of the mess as easily as possible and that you won't have to go through the penalties, jail time, probation, community service or whatever other complication may be associated with such a scenario. Remember, it is your responsibility to fight for your rights in the first place.

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Why An Abused Child Aligns With A Parental Alienator

"I just don't get it. My ex abused our child physically, mentally and emotionally. It doesn't make sense that my child should align with them!"

You're right. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense to the ADULT mind but from a child's perspective it is different.

As adults, when someone treats us poorly, we remove them from our lives, as in the case of divorce. A child cannot divorce their parent the same way that we divorce our spouse.

What happens is that the child develops an insecure attachment to the parent that is abusive toward them. In fact, the insecure attachment that the child forms with the abusive parent actually motivates them to become more strongly attached to the abusive parent.

While this seems counter intuitive to the adult mind, to a child it is the opposite.
In a child's mind, if they reject the abusive parent they are more likely to endure worse consequences. They are more likely to starve, be neglected or suffer worse dangers in life. It is a survival instinct that they attach themselves more readily to the abusive parent to avoid these other bad consequences.

What happens when the parent is abusive to the child is that the child strives even harder to gain the parent's approval, regardless of the punishment that they may receive. It becomes the child's goal to establish a relationship with the abusive parent in any way that they possibly can.

Think of it this way: When we don't eat, we become hungry. If we go long enough without eating, we will experience side effect and symptoms of malnourishment and our body emits distress symptoms. Just because our body is sending out distress signals, it doesn't mean that we don't want to eat. Of course we do! When the opportunity to eat arises, we eat more.

It works the same way with a child. When a child is craving that attachment with a parent and doesn't get it, it doesn't mean that he or she no longer wants the attachment. It makes them want the attachment more. A child will strive to gain this attachment in any way possible.

From the child's point of view, there are no circumstances that exist that will make them choose to terminate that attachment with the abusive parent. To choose to terminate it would be risking their life and safety. No matter how bad that parent is, in the child's perspective, it is far better than what could happen to him or her.

The pattern of abuse or neglect that the child receives from the abusive parent, is viewed as being normal to the child because it is all that the child has ever known. It is what is the norm to him or her and it is incomprehensible that anyone else should live in a different way. To the child, everyone experiences the abuse that they do, so it is not wrong.

In the case of Alienation, when a child aligns him or herself with the abusive parent, they are doing so to attain this attachment, to gain approval and save themselves from the dangers that they could be facing if that parent was not a part of their lives. They align themselves with the abusive or alienating parent to gain their approval and feed their need for attachment.

Counter intuitive as it may be, this is the reality of how a child's mind works when it comes to an abusive or alienating parent. Don't get me wrong, the child would love for the parent to stop hurting him or her, but because the child loves that parent and needs to be attached to that parent, he or she will live with the consequences of abuse.

It isn't until that child starts to understand that the abusive or alienating behaviors are wrong, that they will be able to comprehend the need for change.

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Abuse and Taking Back Your Power

There is a history of abuse, all over the world. I believe the most significant thing for anyone to learn and focus on; is ending the family cycle. Statistics show that abuse has been going on for many generations in families. On average, 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States - more than 12 million women and men over the course of a year.

Nearly 3 in 10 women (29%) and 1 in 10 men (10%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by a partner and report a related impact on their functioning. Nearly, 15% of women (14.8%) and 4% of men have been injured as a result of IPV that included rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

1 in 4 women (24.3%) and 1 in 7 men (13.8%) aged 18 and older in the United States have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. More than 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and more than 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

I reflect back on my own family history of abuse. There are four generations of abuse, that I have knowledge of. The cycle has continued, due to the issues not being addressed. It is taboo for families to discuss family history and the cycle of abuse. I did observe both men and women being abusers.

It is common for an individual to be abused and become an abuser. There are various types of abuse; such as sexual, verbal, physical, psychological and emotional abuse. Many times the abused person tries to make excuses or hide it from outsiders. It is common to feel shame, for something which you have no control.

Many abused persons have low self esteem. It is common for a person to question their involvement in an abusive environment. It makes you wonder what you can change about yourself, to make the abuse stop. It is an emotional battle daily, to maintain focus on ordinary tasks. You wonder what will trigger the occurrence again; if so what can you say to stop it.

The person that is abusing you, will never stop to consider what it is doing to you psychologically. If at all possible, you should report it to someone you trust. It can be perplexing to someone who has been abused for so long to have a desire to escape an abuser. Many times the abused holds themselves hostage, because of the psychological restrictions they have placed upon themselves.

There can be many things said and assumed about an abused person. Many question why the individual has not attempted to get away or spoken with someone for help. It is a psychological phenomena, that only the person can explain clearly. I have observed men and women, with a history being abused, seeking out a weak or vulnerable partner and subjecting them to abuse. It is also possible that these individuals also abuse their children.

I have close personal knowledge and witnessed abuse on many levels as a child. As I reflect back on those experiences and ponder many things, the cycle had continued. It was not openly addressed. Until I openly discussed many of the event that transpired, it was never discussed. Many people think their family cycles were normal.

I too once believed abuse was a normal part of life, until I became an adult and started to observe more healthy relationships. It wasn't until I stopped dating and eliminated abusive men from my life, that I realized how unhealthy my dating history was. I can understand why it is hard for a person to break the cycle and escape an abuser.

Although the trauma takes time to be healed, it is possible. An abused person has to see, they are not responsible for the actions of another. The first step to healing, is to realize you are worthy of better things. It takes courage to stand up to someone who has abused you for many years or numerous times. I will tell you it is possible. Once you openly refuse to deny the acceptance of abuse; you have taken back your power.

I will share with you that I understand. I faced abuse in many forms in my life. I decided to I deserve better. I refused top allow family or a lover to abuse me in any way. I took back control of my life. I now refuse to be forced to do what I have no desire for. You have the power to set your standards and expectations in life. Make the choice to choose better for yourself.

The power to be, first starts with you. I AM is the Power to be. You control your life.

Reflect on your family history and find the cause of allowing abuse in your life.

 

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Domestic Violence: A Danger at Home

 We have heard many times from many people who say that "rapes and women harassment is only happening because women have got unlimited rights and women are allowed to work with men on a common platform." But the question from those low esteemed people is that non working women haven't been a victim of women harassment and abuse.

As everybody knows that the answer is No.

Many non working women have been victims of domestic violence, which can also be called as danger at home for women. Women are abused, tortured, beaten by their husband, family members. Then how can one say that modernization of women according to changing time has been the cause of women assault. But before blaming to others for domestic violence, some women themselves are to be blamed for continuously tolerating the assault against them.

Certain myths regarding domestic violence are followed by our society and women themselves by assuming that assaulting a woman is a right of husband. As such stupid arguments can never be the cause for supporting such shameful acts.

Many times men torture women because they think that they owe them (their wife, girlfriend). Some men cannot tolerate their women getting friendly to other colleagues (especially men). Many times it is seen that men spending a bad day at work beat their women just blaming them for their frustration. Sometimes women who themselves are victims of domestic violence defend their men by giving some meaningless arguments that 'whatever, he love me'.

So these are some of the reasons that why this social issue of domestic violence is becoming a nuisance in our society day by day. Not only man should be blamed for the domestic violence because those women are also responsible for this social issue who tolerate physical assault on them by assuming that assaulting a woman is their right.

In many countries of the world men have legal and social right to beat their women if they don't behave according to their men?

According to the latest reports statistics domestic violence mostly happen in rural India where women are not educated and are not aware about their fundamental rights and don't have knowledge that domestic violence is against the law. Education is the biggest weapon which can help women our society to fight against these social issues which are committed against them. Tolerating such acts will encourage such people to commit these acts more and more.

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I Don't Want to Be a Concrete Angel

 "Put your mask on Carly," even though she was only seven, Carly knew what that meant. Mommy was telling her to pretend like nothing had happened, like Daddy had not hit Mommy and Mommy hadn't cried all night. She had been afraid to go to sleep; last night was worse than most nights. She screamed once, she couldn't stop it. Daddy said if she did it again she would be a concrete angel; she didn't know what that meant but Mommy had been afraid when he said it. She put on the expressionless face she had learned to wear and wondered how Mommy was going to put on a mask that would cover all the bruises on her face when she took her to school.

Her teacher, Mrs. Abrams was on bus duty that day. She saw the car pull up and noticed the expression on little Carly's face as she quickly got out of the car and closed the door. She had been concerned about the little girl for a long time; today she was alarmed. Carly's mother had tried to turn away, but not before she saw the dark bruises and cuts on her face. She saw the look of alarm and even fear cross the woman's face. Something terrible was going on in Carly's home, she just knew it.

Just after attendance, she gave the class work to complete and called Carly to her desk. She saw her little legs shaking as she made her way to the desk and knew the reality of 'shaking in her shoes.' Her expression was fixed, showing no emotion until you looked into her eyes. She saw the tears welling up; she was frightened and genuinely upset. She decided to be straight forward, hoping Carly would understand she could trust her through her honest approach.

"Carly, I noticed your mother's face was bruised and cut this morning when she dropped you off. Did something happen at home last night? Did someone hit your mother?"

Carly seemed surprised at her words. She looked at the floor and whispered, "No, nothing."

"Carly, I have been very concerned about you for quite some time. I know something is happening in your home. I think you and your mother are in danger. Please be honest with me, I intend to get to the bottom of this but I will not hurt you or your mother. Do you understand?" Carly continued looking down; she shook her head indicating she had understood.

"I'm not allowed to talk about it; my Mommy said it will only make things worse if I do." The tears began falling down her little face. Mrs. Abrams wrapped her arms around the little girl. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed and sobbed, it was heartbreaking. She called the office and asked for someone to come and mind her class while she took Carly to the Nurse's station. They needed privacy; something was terribly wrong.

Carly seemed comforted by the uniform the nurse was wearing; somehow she seemed to accept that help was there for her. Finally the sobs grew fainter and then stopped. Carly sat on a sofa, her little legs dangling, too short to even reach the floor; her teacher on one side the nurse on the other. Finally she stopped shaking.

"What is a concrete angel?" The words were spoken so quietly that both adults thought they had not heard correctly. They stared at one another; surely they had not heard those words! She asked again, louder this time. "What does it mean if someone is going to be a concrete angel? I don't want to be a concrete angel!"

The nurse spoke softly, comforting the child. "Carly, did someone say those words to you?" Carly began crying again. She quietly repeated what had happened in their home last night, and how her father had shouted at her; "If you scream again, you're going to be a concrete angel." She told them she was not allowed to talk to anyone about what happened in her house, that Daddy would kill Mommy. She began crying loudly again, obviously fearing she had betrayed her mother.

"Carly, it is not safe for you or your mother to be in a home where this is happening. I am going to ask you to trust me. We are going to talk to your mother. If she agrees to leave, a temporary place will be found for both of you. If she will not leave, you will be taken out of the home until other arrangements can be made for you and hopefully your mother. We are not doing this to hurt you; we are trying to save your life. Do you understand?"

The girl's voice quivered; she shook her head, indicating she understood. The nurse held her until the social worker arrived. Carly left with her while a police officer and another social worker went to talk to her mother. Her injuries were obvious; yet she refused to press charges or leave her husband, even knowing her daughter had been taken away from her. The officer told her the state might very well press charges without her consent.

Carly's mother and father were dead when the officer arrived the next morning to arrest her father. It was ruled a murder-suicide. They could only surmise that her father had been enraged when he learned that his sick secret was out and that he would probably be arrested. He had turned his rage on his wife; her broken body had been beaten nearly beyond recognition. A single gunshot wound to the head had killed him.

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